Oh, thank God…Five young conjurers are trying to communicate with me. Now I can finally reveal the identity of my killer!
Is there a spirit present?
Girls, listen to me. My name is Craig Swieskowski. I was murdered by a man named Bruce Kobza.
Does Trevor like Janet?
What? How should I know? listen, Bruce Kobza poisoned me to death! There’s a video recording of the murder in a locked briefcase in his apartment. You need to break into his bedroom, unlock the briefcase and show the tape to the police!
Y…E…S! (Hysterical laughter.) Trevor likes you, Janet!
Okay…that’s…that’s fine. I’m glad we got that out of our system. But now it’s time to get serious. We might not have another chance to talk like this. I need you girls to go to Mt. Sinai Cemetery and dig up my body. Do an autopsy. You’ll find—
Who likes Sophie?
Jesus, it’s like you’re not even listening to me! (sighing) Okay…fine, I’ll try to use the damn board B…
R! Hey, he’s spelling out Brian Pasternak! Brian Pasternak likes Sophie!
Spirit? Are we pretty? Or…do we need to lose a little bit of weight?
You don’t need to lose any weight…You should all be thankful you’re alive and healthy.
L-O-S-E W-E-I-G-H-T. Guess we’ll have to keep dieting, huh?
What? That’s not what I said at all! (Sigh.) It doesn’t matter.
—Ant Farm by Simon Rich
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